The Hidden Key to Co-Parenting Well: Having a Growth Mindset Toward Your Spouse - Growth Mindset Part 3 of 3

Kyle Eastman
Jun 2
11 min read

By now, we’ve explored what it means to have a growth mindset as a dad toward yourself (Part 1) and toward your child (Part 2). You’ve learned that labeling yourself as “not patient,” or your child as “wild,” can lock you both into unhelpful roles. Shifting your mindset to “not there yet” creates space—for progress, not perfection.

But there’s one more person who deserves that same grace: your partner.

Too often, we believe our spouse should already know what to do, how to split the load, or how to parent exactly as we would. And when they fall short of that expectation, we silently retreat into resignation or resentment.

What we rarely realize is: we’re applying a fixed mindset to the person we’ve chosen to raise a family with.

Maybe we assume:

“She just can’t stay calm during tantrums.”
“He never plans ahead.”
“They don’t know how to connect with our kid.”

The problem isn’t just the behavior. It’s the story we attach to it. A story that says, “This is who they are. This won’t change.”

That story becomes a wall. But a growth mindset breaks that wall down.

It says: Maybe they haven’t learned that skill yet. Maybe I haven’t invited that conversation clearly. Maybe we’re both still becoming the parents—and partners—we want to be.

This third part of the series is about that mindset shift. About believing your partner can grow—not because they’re failing, but because they’re human. Just like you.

And when the conversations feel hard, we’ll also borrow from the book Crucial Conversations to guide how to speak with honesty, clarity, and care.

I. Revisiting Growth Mindset in the Family Context

What We’ve Learned So Far

In Part 1 of this series, we uncovered how dads often hold themselves back by clinging to a fixed identity—believing they’re “just not patient” or “not the nurturing type.” That belief becomes a barrier to growth. But by shifting the internal narrative to “I’m not there yet,” dads can begin to engage, improve, and grow into the kind of fathers they want to be.

In Part 2, we turned that same spotlight onto how we view our children. Labels like “wild one,” “shy,” or “bad listener” often start out as observations—but become identity traps. When we assume our kids just are a certain way, we stop looking for ways to help them grow. And over time, so do they.

This growth mindset—one of belief in potential, of seeing people as in process—is the foundation of intentional fatherhood. But there’s a third level where it often breaks down: how we see our partner.

Why Your Partner Deserves the Same Belief

You believe your child can develop patience.

You believe you can learn to stay calm.

But do you believe your spouse can change the way they respond to conflict? Step up in areas they haven’t before? Learn to love parts of parenting they’ve struggled with?

Here’s where the fixed mindset subtly creeps in:

“She’s always been the emotional one.”
“He just shuts down in stressful moments.”
“I have to do everything because they just don’t think like I do.”

These might feel like facts. But more often, they’re unexamined stories—and those stories can become self-fulfilling. Just like a child labeled “wild” starts to live up to that identity, a partner labeled “unreliable” might stop trying to show up differently altogether.

The solution? Hold the same growth space for your partner that you’re working hard to hold for yourself and your child.

You don’t have to lower expectations—you just have to believe that change is possible, and that progress is worth working toward together.

II. How Fixed Mindset Toward Your Partner Shows Up

You may not say it out loud. You might not even realize you’re doing it. But fixed mindset toward your partner shows up in quiet patterns—patterns that erode teamwork, limit flexibility, and build long-term frustration.

Let’s look at three common ways this mindset sneaks into your relationship.

A. Labels That Limit: “She’s the Planner,” “He’s the Disciplinarian”

Most couples organically settle into rhythms: one person plans the schedules, the other handles meltdowns. One tells bedtime stories, the other handles drop-off. These divisions can feel efficient—until they become fixed.

When we start to label these roles with identity (“he’s not good with routines,” “she just can’t play the fun parent”), we stop imagining that things could be different. That they could be different.

What started as “this is how we’ve been doing it” becomes “this is who we are.” That’s where growth shuts down.

A growth mindset asks: Is this role something they’ve naturally leaned into, or something we’ve unconsciously assigned them?

B. The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Resentment

Here’s how it happens:

You see your partner struggling with something (say, planning ahead).
Instead of talking about it, you quietly take over that task.
Over time, they do it less. You do it more.
You begin to resent that you’re “always the one” doing it.

But what’s really happening? You’ve internalized the belief that they can’t change. So you stop inviting them into those areas. The imbalance grows. So does the resentment.

This is the heart of the fixed mindset: not just seeing a problem, but seeing it as permanent.

And here’s the dangerous part—your belief may actually be keeping them from growing.

C. The Default Parent Dilemma

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I’m the only one who knows what’s going on,” you might be the default parent. It’s not always intentional—often, one partner simply has more availability, bandwidth, or mental space in a certain season.

But when this becomes the ongoing dynamic, the burden grows. And without a growth mindset in the mix, the narrative sounds like:

“They’ll never take initiative.”
“They just don’t get it.”
“I have to do it or it won’t get done.”

The truth? You might be carrying more right now. But that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

With intention, conversation, and belief in each other’s potential, the default parent load can be shared.

(Crucial Conversations Tip: If resentment is building, it’s time for dialogue, not silence. More on how to start that in the next section.)

III. Growth Mindset in Action: How to Hold Space for Change

Recognizing where a fixed mindset shows up is the first step. But what does it actually look like to practice a growth mindset toward your partner—especially when the load feels unbalanced or the roles feel stuck?

Here’s where intentional mindset meets courageous conversation.

A. Use “So Far” Instead of “Always”

Language matters. The words we choose either reinforce the past or create possibility for the future.

Instead of saying:

“You never help with bedtime,”
Try:
“I’ve mostly handled bedtime so far, but I think we can switch that up.”

Or:

“You’re just not good at planning ahead,”
Try:
“That hasn’t been your role up until now, but I think we could both get better at it together.”

This isn’t about pretending everything’s fine—it’s about keeping the door open for change.

B. Name the Desire for Shared Growth

One of the most powerful things you can do is speak the vision out loud. Not as a critique. Not as a complaint. But as a hopeful, respectful invitation.

“I’ve noticed I’ve been taking the lead on a lot of the school and activity planning lately. I’d love for us to find a way to make that feel more shared. I want this to be a team effort, not something that falls on one of us.”

This is the what and why of growth mindset communication: You’re not blaming. You’re inviting. You’re stating a desire for more balance—not demanding perfection.

C. Invite, Don’t Accuse: Reframing the Conversation

When you’re feeling the weight of an unbalanced load, it’s tempting to let it spill out sideways—through sarcasm, passive comments, or quiet withdrawal. But those don’t spark change. They spark defensiveness.

Instead, remember this key insight from Crucial Conversations:

People don’t feel safe when they think you’re trying to win—they feel safe when they know you’re trying to connect.

So frame your concern in a way that honors your partner’s dignity and keeps the conversation safe:

“I’ve been feeling stretched lately, especially with how we divide the morning routine. I don’t think it’s your fault—I just want to talk about how we can do it differently together.”

And if you sense tension rising, try a contrasting statement—another tool from Crucial Conversations that helps clarify your intentions and de-escalate defensiveness:

“I’m not saying you haven’t helped or that you don’t care. I’m just feeling like we’ve drifted into a rhythm that’s hard for me to sustain—and I want to find a way forward together.”

These moments build emotional safety. And emotional safety is the soil where growth takes root.

IV. The Mental Load Is Real—But It’s Not Fixed

Every family has an invisible backpack of responsibilities: remembering birthdays, organizing school supplies, signing permission slips, initiating conversations with other parents, prepping for doctor visits, planning meals. In most households, one person quietly ends up wearing that backpack—and over time, it gets heavy.

This is called the mental load—and if you’re feeling the weight of it, or watching your partner crumble under it, you’re not alone.

But here’s the key: the load is real, but it’s not fixed.

A. Recognizing Invisible Labor and Resentment Early

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “Why do I have to be the one who thinks of everything?”—that’s a signal. Not just of imbalance, but of a story forming in your head: “They don’t get it.” Or worse: “They’ll never get it.”

That’s a fixed mindset. But like we’ve explored in Parts 1 and 2, the antidote is curiosity and belief.

Ask:

“Have I ever clearly explained what’s weighing on me?”
“Does my partner even know this is something I feel alone in?”
“What might be happening on their end that I haven’t seen?”

A growth mindset opens space for conversation—before burnout becomes bitterness.

(Crucial Conversations Tip: If you’ve let frustration build, start with shared purpose:

“I want us both to feel supported—not overwhelmed. Can we look at what’s been working, and what needs to shift?”)

B. Swap Roles to Build Empathy

Sometimes the fastest way to understand the mental load is to carry a different one. Try intentionally switching up your routines:

If one partner normally plans weekends, let the other take a turn.
If you handle school drop-off, try having your spouse do it for a week.
If one of you always packs the diaper bag—trade roles next Saturday.

These changes don’t have to be permanent. But they break auto-pilot cycles and give both of you visibility into what the other experiences.

Empathy increases. Blame decreases.

C. Adapt to Life’s Seasons

Your household is not a machine—it’s an ecosystem. And ecosystems change with the seasons.

Maybe your partner used to be the go-to for nighttime routines, but now they’re pregnant and exhausted. Maybe they were planning meals and coordinating playdates until a new job added 10 hours to their workweek.

A growth mindset doesn’t ignore those changes—it flexes with them. It says:

“This season is different. So let’s figure out what needs to shift—and how we can step into new roles, even if they feel unfamiliar.”

The key is communication. Not just about tasks, but about capacity. About willingness. About who’s carrying what—and what might need to be rebalanced for this stage of life.

V. Practical Tools for a Growth-Based Partnership

Growth mindset is not just an attitude—it’s a practice. And when applied to your partnership, it means taking small, repeatable steps that build trust, balance, and shared ownership over time.

Here are a few practical ways to live that out in your relationship.

A. Name the Strengths—Out Loud

Just like with your kids, what gets noticed gets reinforced. And what gets ignored… often disappears.

When your partner shows up in a new or effortful way—say something. Even if it’s small.

“Thanks for jumping in on bedtime tonight. I could tell it helped the kids wind down.”

“I noticed you handled that whole school email thread—I really appreciated not having to think about it.”

“You’ve been so calm during tantrums lately. It’s made a difference.”

This kind of positive reinforcement—what psychologists call “acknowledging the reps”—is a key part of growth. It’s not about praise for praise’s sake. It’s about reinforcing effort and inviting more of it.

(Bonus: This models emotional intelligence for your kids too.)

B. Make Room for Recovery Before Re-Entry

One overlooked way to support your partner’s growth? Give them what you probably wish you had more of: space to reset.

If they’ve been working all day, and you expect instant presence the second they walk in the door, you’re likely setting both of you up for tension.

Instead:

Offer 15 minutes of quiet time before engaging in parenting handoff.
Create a “soft landing” routine—like a 10-minute walk, shower, or even a zone-out scroll.
Build in signals for “I’m ready to engage” so transitions feel smoother and more respectful.

This is less about coddling—and more about honoring each other’s nervous systems. We all regulate differently. Space to reset is often what allows growth to happen.

C. Create Micro-Moments of Rebalancing

You don’t need a marriage retreat to rebalance the mental load. You need rhythms. Tiny ones.

Here are a few that work:

Weekly 10-minute check-ins: “What felt heavy this week? What would feel helpful next week?”
Shared Google Calendar: Let the calendar carry the memory load, not just one partner.
Mini-script for daily reconnection:
“What do you need from me today?” “Is there anything I can take off your plate tonight?” “Where do you need a win right now?”

These aren’t just communication hacks—they’re habits that shape your culture as a team.

And as Crucial Conversations reminds us: the way you talk about the hard stuff is the relationship.

VI. Modeling Growth in Your Marriage: The Ripple Effect

A growth mindset doesn’t just shift how you parent or how you partner—it shifts the culture of your entire home. One of the most powerful, under-discussed ways to raise emotionally intelligent kids is to let them see you growing alongside your partner.

Here’s what that can look like in everyday life—and why it matters more than you think.

A. Your Kids Are Watching

You may think your child is too young to notice who plans the birthday parties or who does bedtime most nights—but they’re picking up far more than you realize.

They notice:

How you speak to your partner when you’re frustrated.
Whether you’re willing to ask for help—or apologize.
How you respond when roles or routines have to shift.

When you approach your partner with belief, flexibility, and effort instead of blame or withdrawal, your kids learn:

“Growth is normal. Effort matters. And relationships aren’t about getting it perfect—they’re about working together.”

This becomes their blueprint for future friendships, teamwork, and intimacy. Your mindset toward your spouse is their model for emotional safety.

B. Growth Is Contagious

One of the core ideas from Crucial Conversations is this: people rarely grow when they feel cornered—but they often do when they feel safe and believed in.

Your belief in your partner may be the very thing that unlocks their willingness to try new roles, face hard parenting moments, or step up in areas they’ve historically avoided.

This isn’t about letting your partner off the hook—it’s about offering a different kind of accountability. One rooted in hope, not shame.

Just like with kids: people tend to live into the story we believe about them. So ask yourself:

Am I holding a story that gives them room to rise?

When you do, growth becomes a shared momentum—not a one-sided push.

Conclusion: Believe in Who They’re Becoming, Not Just Who They’ve Been

It’s easy to spot the flaws in our partner—especially when we’re tired, stretched thin, or picking up the pieces of an uneven parenting load. But the real challenge—and opportunity—of intentional fatherhood is this:

Can you hold a growth mindset for your partner the same way you’re learning to hold it for yourself and your child?

This doesn’t mean ignoring reality or minimizing frustration. It means choosing to believe that:

They are capable of learning new parenting skills.
They can change long-standing patterns.
They may just need the same thing you’ve needed: encouragement, space, and a safe way to try again.

It means learning to say:

“We haven’t figured this out yet.”

“Let’s find a better way together.”

“I believe we both can grow into the parents—and partners—we want to be.”

And when those conversations feel tense or high-stakes, Crucial Conversations reminds us of the most powerful place to begin: with shared purpose and emotional safety.

You’re not blaming.

You’re not fixing.

You’re not perfect.

You’re just… growing. Together.

So the next time you feel stuck in resentment or routine, pause and ask yourself:

Am I describing who they are—or who they’ve been up until now?

Because when you choose to believe in who your partner is becoming, you create a ripple effect:

Your home becomes a space for development, not performance.
Your kids learn that relationships are places where people grow.
And your marriage becomes not just functional—but transformational.

That’s the heart of intentional fatherhood.

Not just showing up for your kids…

But also showing up—again and again—for the teammate raising them with you.